Roots and Causes of the Formation of the Abandonment Schema

Roots and Causes of the Formation of the Abandonment Schema

One of the most important factors that can play a role in the formation of abandonment is attachment and separation anxiety. When you did not experience a secure relationship with your mother as a child and a secure attachment was not formed in you and you have experienced separation anxiety, it is possible that the glasses you wear will form the abandonment schema in you.

Also, if you have experienced trauma, betrayal, and similar things throughout your life, it can play a role in the formation of this schema.

From the age of 8 months to two or three years, separation anxiety is normal and the child clings to his or her parent and in his or her absence, he or she suffers anxiety, which is called separation anxiety. However, if something bad happens during this period or if the child shows maladaptive reactions outside of this period, we can say that the person does not have a secure attachment and this can play a significant role in the formation of the abandonment schema.

 For example, if a parent dies, divorce occurs, and the child experiences an unsafe environment, or even when both parents go to work and spend little or no quality time with the child, the child may perceive that they are not loved and that the parent has abandoned them, and thus the abandonment schema may form in them. Other factors include:

If the parent is unstable, moody, obsessive, depressed, alcoholic, or addicted and does not take good care of the child and his reactions, and the child does not know how to behave with his parent depending on the situation, this schema may form in him.

If there is a lot of tension between the parents and the child grows up knowing that there is a fight and blames himself for the fight, this situation can play a role in the formation of the schema.

If the mother has been hospitalized for a long time or has been away from the child for a long time, the abandonment schema may be activated in the child.

 If the child is raised under the care of a nanny or nurse or is placed in daycare centers as a baby, it also leads to the formation of the abandonment schema.

After a period of receiving parental attention, the child is essentially neglected and inattentive, which can be due to the birth of a younger brother or sister and the remarriage of one of the parents, and Waldo loses attention to himself.

In terms of genetics and personality factors, some children may be more sensitive and various events may affect them more.

Parents have this schema and, based on it, they treat the child in a way that creates an abandonment schema in the child.

Signs of an Abandonment Schema in a Relationship

Some signs of an abandonment schema include:

Your partner is unwilling to commit to a long-term commitment with you due to an emotional involvement with another person.

Your partner is not always available, especially when you want to spend time together.

Your partner is mostly busy working and has a long commute or is a workaholic.

Your spouse is emotionally unstable, for example, addicted or depressed, or does not have a stable job.

Your partner is a seeker of variety and likes to be free in his relationships.

You are constantly worried about losing him and want to control him to keep him to yourself.

You are sensitive to his behavior with others, especially other women, and you constantly compare yourself to those women and are jealous.

You are afraid of intimacy and if you find someone good, you do not want to connect with them.

 Coping Styles of the Abandonment Schema

There are 3 unhealthy coping styles in the types of schemas. In the abandonment schema, these three styles are manifested as follows:

Surrender style: The person thinks that he will be abandoned and rejected, so he goes to people who abandon him and allows others to treat him like this.

Avoidance style: Because the person knows that he is going to be rejected and abandoned, he does not go towards communication at all. He does not enter into a relationship for fear of being alone. Despite avoidance, he also suffers from loneliness, as a result of which he turns to isolated sedatives, i.e. addiction, etc.

Extreme compensation style: He may adopt three behaviors:

1- The person himself rejects others, that is, he takes the initiative and that is the attack. Because rejecting others himself is less painful than being rejected by others.

 2- He may create several relationships, so that if one person rejects him, he will be the only one.

3- He is very clingy, domineering, and controlling, lest the other person reject him, and he is very skeptical.