How do the Defect and Shame Schemas manifest in a person?

How do the Defect and Shame Schemas manifest in a person?

If you believe that you are somehow defective and that others will reject you if they find out, this belief can make your life difficult. People with Defect and Shame Schemas often cope with their negative beliefs in one of three unhealthy ways: avoidance, overcompensation, or surrender.

Avoidance

Social withdrawal or excessive autonomy: Typically, people with a defect and shame schema avoid intimate relationships. They feel ashamed because they believe they are somehow defective and do not want others to know what is really wrong with them. In addition, they have a strong tendency to reject and criticize people. Such people do not want to expose themselves to relationships that will notice their defects, because they believe that if they do, they will react negatively. For this reason, a person with this schema may jump from one relationship to another or sabotage the flourishing of relationships so that no one gets close enough to get to know them.

Seeking distractions

 You seek excitement or distraction through unnecessary shopping, sex, gambling, risk-taking, or physical activity.

Self-soothing with addiction

 You seek excitement with drugs, alcohol, food, or excessive self-stimulation.

Overcompensation

On the other hand, someone with a flawed and shameful schema may compensate for their beliefs through their behavior.

Seeking approval from others or seeking high status: They may try to silence their fears and gain approval from others through achievements or status-seeking.

Hostile behavior: Blaming and criticizing others for their mistakes, when in fact, they are the ones at fault.

Passive-aggressiveness: They may appear to be submissive, but they show it through passive-aggressiveness, procrastinating, complaining, and sulking. All of these actions unintentionally push others away, ultimately reinforcing the belief that they must have a flaw that others are rejecting.

Dominance or Over-assertion: They try to control others to achieve their goals.

Abuse of Others: They get their needs met without others knowing what they are doing. That is, they take advantage of others by seducing or being completely dishonest with them.

Surrender

Some people may cope with beliefs stemming from the inferiority and shame schema by surrendering. They believe that they are inherently flawed, therefore worthless. Therefore, they may have a submissive behavior and try to please others. If they enter into a relationship, they may choose people who do not respect them because they do not consider themselves worthy of respect. For this reason, they may tend to attract people who are likely to leave them. When this happens, they come to believe that they must not be good enough that others will not stay with them, and this perception is reinforced in them.